NEWSITORIAL: Five Minutes To Doomsday
A great danger faces the world.
According to the news, criminal scientists are close to developing the so-called "Gay Bomb," a briefcase explosive that, if detonated in a major city such as San Francisco, could turn millions of upright citizens into perfumed, bone-licking, ass-pounding, boa-clad abominations.
Within minutes, every social interaction would be transformed in a diamond hard frenzy of Dad-on-Dad graftification, with all human dignity sacrificed on the Satanic altar of ecstasy. 
In other words, never has Man faced a more terrifying threat.
We hereby call upon President George W. Bush to convene an International Council on Gay Weapons Disarmament to hammer out a lasting, unbreakable ban on this doomsday device.
Our children are at stake. Our families are at stake.
Stop the Gay Bomb... NOW!
