NEWSITORIAL: Five Minutes To Doomsday

A great danger faces the world.

According to the news, criminal scientists are close to developing the so-called "Gay Bomb," a briefcase explosive that, if detonated in a major city such as San Francisco, could turn millions of upright citizens into perfumed, bone-licking, ass-pounding, boa-clad abominations.

Within minutes, every social interaction would be transformed in a diamond hard frenzy of Dad-on-Dad graftification, with all human dignity sacrificed on the Satanic altar of ecstasy.


In other words, never has Man faced a more terrifying threat.

We hereby call upon President George W. Bush to convene an International Council on Gay Weapons Disarmament to hammer out a lasting, unbreakable ban on this doomsday device.

Our children are at stake. Our families are at stake.
Stop the Gay Bomb... NOW!

WMD FOUND IN IRAQ

Recently, 58 Arabic-speaking U.S. servicemen sashayed out of the alternative lifestyle closet, saying could no longer tolerate the Army's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy on funny business.

Were they contaminated by the remnants of a long abandoned weapons program?
Had Saddam tested the gay bomb?

In the name of humanity, the Pentagon has disbanded its gay bomb program. But it's time to ask a fundamental question:

What if Iran builds such an unspeakable, doomsday weapon?

DICK CHENEY WILL NEVER LET IRAN GET THE GAY BOMB.

He's seen the evil up close.

Don't Worry, Lynne; He'll Be Home Tonight

FOR YOUR PLEASURES,
TWO NATIONAL TREASURES
A PHOTOGRAPHIC DELIGHT
TO MAKE YOUR DAY BRIGHT.

JUST RICHARD AND NAN,
FIRST LADY AND MAN,
GOOD WISHES WE BRING
TO OUR QUEEN AND OUR KING.

DRAFT DICK CHENEY FOR PRESIDENT
AND DRAFT NANCY FOR ALTERNATE FIRST LADY*

*This would not interfere with Lynne Cheney's duties or position. As first-runner-up, Nancy Reagan would serve only if for some reason, God forbid, the First Lady Cheney could not finish her entire term.

Push, Mary, Push

Our unofficial countdown to Mary's Miracle Baby now stands at 20 days.

The horses have rounded the turn, heading for the finish line.

She and her pal are in our prayers.